Therapeutic Insights

Some clients have a compelling need to tell their story in therapy.  These are invariably the stories you would hear in just about any lunch room between friends and fellow workers.  They are often very well rehearsed and are designed to elicit sympathy for the storyteller.  In these stories, the teller usually portrays themselves as the victim.  "See what he/she did to me."  These "ain't it awful stories" are void of most of the person's feelings except for anger, hurt and embarrassment.  What is missing is what their story means to them.

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Over the years, I have noticed a number of things that can destroy a couple's relationship, but there is one negative fighting style that stands out.  That is when one person is a yeller and screamer while the other person shuts down and becomes resentful, bitter and/or becomes passive aggressive.  This combination is not healthy or conducive to marital harmony and happiness.  And yet, couples continue this style of combat year after year.  If it is not helpful then what is the purpose of yelling and screaming?  What is the purpose of shutting down?  What are you trying to acomplish?

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Communication has two aspects, the talking and the listening.  Much has been said about listening skills so this month I'm looking at an introduction to talking skills.  Grandfather said, "It is not what you say, but how you say it."  I would also add that it depends on what you want to accomplish with your talking.  When you are speaking, there is a continuum from You Are messages to I Am messages.  The idea is to be aware of the four ways to communicate your message then make a decision about what you want to achieve.

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What does a soft answer sound like?  Is King David talking about not raising your voice and not yelling?  In Eph 4:25 Paul tells the church to "Stop lying to each other and be angry."  I am not sure how to be angry and still be believable without raising my voice.  Or is King David talking about speaking in a way that does not escalate conflict with name calling, putdowns, threats, sarcasm, demanding, controlling, blaming, and guilt trips.  I believe that none of these responses would fall into the category of a soft answer.  In fact, all of these responses would, no doubt, escalate a conflict.

You know from your own experience that putdowns get putdowns back, name calling will get name calling back, and threats will get threats back thus excalating the conflict

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Not taking some things personally can be very hard to do.  The closer you are to a person and the more they mean to you, the easier it si for you to take their slights and putdowns personally.  When you are hurt, you tend to become a reactor and fire back or withdraw.

Hurt is personalized anger and it often comes with a vindictive hook.  "You hurt me you no good so and so.  Now, I hope you get what is coming to you."

I have been asked how not to take what someone says or does personally.  "Besides cutting off your feelings or becoming super depressed, is there some healthy tricks to becoming immune to the hurts that seem to assail us from all sides?"  Indeed there are several "tricks" that you can employ to help stay the actor and not become the reactor.

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The world is full of tyrants.  You think of most tyrants as living in foreign countries oppressing and brutalizing their citizens.  As you watch from a safe distance and wonder, what is it about these oppressed people that allow the tyrant to grind down his slaves and yet they do not turn against him.  As you watch, you may become incensed and angry, "Why doesn't someone do something about the tyrant.  Someone needs to stop him."

Yes, the world is full of tyrants and there is something you can do about the worst of these tyrants.  This tyrant talks abut working in your best interest.  In fact, this tyrant has convinced you that terrible things would happen if he were not in control of your life.

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CABT says:  The way you think determines what you feel and from your feelings, you chose your behaviors.  CABT recognizes that your brain has two different ways of thinking.  The left brain is logical, systematic and thinks in words and numbers.

Information about people, events and words (which is everything there is) can be processed in either right brain or in the left brain or in both.  As a result, the mind may experience contradictory emotions.  Anyone who has ever been bitten by a dog may know logically that most dogs are safe and friendly BUT may still have a strong visceral reaction when confronted with even the most friendly of dogs.

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In one of the first psychology classes that I took in college, the old German professor came into the class the first day and said, "Ve are in the dark ages of psychology; ve do not know what ve are doing."  For three weeks after that class, I was depressed.  "What am I taking psychology for when we do not know what we are doing?"  Then I was able to change what I was thinking.  "If we are in the dark ages of psychology, just imagine what there is left to be discovered!  I can be part of that."  That old professor was correct!

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Everyone has had a dream.  The dream for one person could be a house with a white picket fence or to play in the major leagues.  What is your dream?

I had a dream of building my own Company and having branches all over the country.

I had a dream that I would be the top salesman in my company.

I had a dream I would retire by 50.

I had a dream that I would sing my songs at the Grand Old Opera.

I had a dream that I would get married and stay home with my kids and never have to work unless I wanted to.

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I'm OK, you're OK?  Well, you're probably OK but I am not sure about me sometimes.  My client just got through telling me that she comes on much too aggressive and harsh with her husband and children.  "We made an agreement that when I do this, he is NOT to withdraw but to say to me, 'You're being harsh.'  Yesterday, he had to tell me eight times!  He was so right!  I felt embarrassed."

Now, here it is twenty minutes later in the same session she is telling me, "I'm OK, you're OK."  She had read the book and now was trying to convince herself.  But it was a hard sell because every time she said it, there was this little voice in her head that kept saying, "The hell you are.  Look at how you treat your husband and your kids."  It is really hard to convince yourself of something when behaviors do not match what you are saying.

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Sex is a natural behavior.  It is not instinctual!

Great sex, good sex, even bad sex is learned behavior.  What makes a good lover, both emotionally and physically?  Being good at anything requires two things:  knowledgable instruction and practice.

Since sex is not instinctual in humans, the instructions you received and from whom you got your instructions can be problematic.  If the information you received was slanted or false, your relationships are going to be in for rough times.  Some examples of false beliefs are:  "Men only want one thing," "Women have to be careful not to hurt the man's ego," "You cannot be truthful in the bedroom," "Women want the strong, silent type," and "Women should act like they do in x-rated videos and films."

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Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) focuses on the left side of the brain.  The left side of your brain works like a series of computers that build on each other to become a powerful organ.  It controls all of your body and your reactions to your world and to your relationships.  This side of your brain interprets sound and light waves so that you are able to see, hear and talk.  It is because of your left brain that you are able to do math, learn a language, tie your shoes, choose relationships, and parent your children.  No matter how good your left brain computer is, if it is full of false inforrmation then the results will be bad.

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